Oh Youthful Kazekage!
by Lord Darkly
Summary: Gaara has many strengths. Intelligence, leadership, self-control, but physical strength is not on that list. Surely, Gai's workout regime is something he can handle, right? Collaboration with Igornerd.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Gaara reminded himself of his blood pressure, and smiled warmly.

"Of course I would be interested in hearing your concerns," he recited. The performance was truly of Kazekage standards. Polite, efficient, and utterly emotionless.

"Well. This has certainly been building for some time now. At first, we thought nothing of it, but, well again, it seems…"

The small, average looking man before him felt the sudden overpowering urge to be somewhere else. Make that anywhere else. The Kazekage's expression hadn't changed. It was still the blank, pensive slight-curl-of-the-lip expression that he had practically invented. In fact, he looked almost concerned.

"Are you feeling alright, Mr…."

"Yuu sir, and no. Perhaps I should sit down-"

"Please, don't overexert yourself," Gaara said, with a smile that was only one in theory, given the rest of his face seemed not to move a millimeter. "As I'm sure you're well aware, the council's opinions and perspectives are valued very highly by this administration. I'm sure we can continue this conversation another time."

"Ah but, well…"

Yuu made to protest, but Gaara was already on his way to the door, opening it with the calm, assured confidence that Yuu would walk out of it.

"We'll try to book you in sometime on Thursday next month. That's perfectly fine, isn't it?"

"Ahem, well, next month? I mean, we've only just started this one, so that's a minimum of over twenty days…"

"Goodbye, Mr. Yuu."

The small man slumped in defeat, and began his defeated tredge out the door. He'd told himself this time, he would be sure to get off at least the first three of the council's main concerns. Now he'd have to explain to them that he'd felt queasy, again.

He briefly considered the possibility that the chain of queasy periods had not been coincidence, but manipulation, but brushed it aside. The Kazekage's… well, not warm, but certainly inviting expression hovered in his mind.

No. It was probably something in his breakfast. Perhaps he ought to visit his doctor again. Make sure this wasn't abnormal.

Behind his desk, Gaara allowed himself a small sigh of relief.

"Eventually they'll learn to send someone more insistent," he muttered, in a tone only a few people could recognize as glum.

"Today's not that day though, is it?"

Temari and Kankuro, siblings of the Kazekage, hopped in through the window.

"Yeah. I'm surprised you were able to stall them so long, let alone put up with their antics. Those old fossils probably still consider puppetry to be modern technology," Kankuro said, with a much less restrained expression.

"Oh, don't be so harsh. They were our best Shinobi, at one time anyway. They've contributed a lot to this village," Temari retorted.

"Enough about them. What does the rest of my day look like," said Gaara. He was calmly, slowly, meticulously rubbing his forehead in attempt to rid himself of his headache.

Temari glanced down at her clipboard, and winced in sympathy.

"You have that walk through the academy to look forward to this afternoon," she pointed out with forced enthusiasm.

Gaara loved children. He loved seeing them smile, laugh, and play as though the world didn't matter to them, or its problems. He considered them, in many ways, to be his greatest achievement as Kazekage.

That did not mean, that after several hours of sanity-questioning, mindlessly boring technicalities, he would be in the mood to listen to the high-pitched cries of children for an extended period of time.

Gaara summoned up his pensive, slightly smiling expression again, ignoring the feeling of another small piece of his soul chipping away to be destroyed in the name of running a village.

"Send them in."

* * *

"Is that the last of them," Gaara muttered, signing the final paper on his desk, and allowing it to land neatly on his stack in perfect alignment.

"Almost. You've got some letters to sort through. We've already weeded out all the fan mail, except from those people you know. Perhaps this will cheer you up."

"Perhaps," Gaara said, taking the small heap of letters from Temari. He allowed his eyes to roll over each of them, not paying much attention to the words, until a few of them began to stick out.

 _...here in Konoha, and now they're telling me that you've become the Kazekage! You bastard, getting to the position before me, but I'll still win. I'll be the best Hokage there ever was, and you'd better believe it!"_

" _Anyway, I was wondering if you'd be willing to come stop by and let me introduce you to the gang again. It's been a while, but I'm sure they'll all forgive you for being angry and murderous, and almost crippling Rock Lee, and almost destroying the village, and that stuff. I'm not sure how long I've got before we set out to look for Sasuke, but until then, I hope you'll come visit!_

 _Signed,_

 _Future Hokage, Uzumaki Naruto_

Gaara slumped back in his chair, a genuine smile on his face. It felt almost unnatural, like his face hadn't been properly lubricated before it had tried to move.

"Some things don't change," he muttered, amused.

Temari was astonished to see Gaara hop to his feet with… dare she think it… passion.

"I'm going to be out of town for a few days," he said, opening the window and stepping out, a cloud of sand forming below his feet. "You can manage my duties until then, right?"

"YOU'RE TAKING A VACATION?!"

And then the cloud carried him off towards his apartment, his mind already considering what things he should pack for his trip.

Back in the Kazekage Office, Temari's clipboard hit the floor with a faint crack sound.

"Oh god… How am I supposed to explain this! No. Wait. Get it together. I can handle this for just a few days, right?"

She glanced at the towering stack of paperwork on the desk.

"... _Fuck_."

* * *

Obito Uchiha, or as he was now known, Tobi, had a great deal of pride in himself. He did not consider this to be misplaced. As history had shown, his ability to plan ahead, see long-term implications, and account for an ungodly number of details spoke highly of his intelligence, or at least his insanity.

He took another bite of his self-packed sandwich, leaning back on the Sunagakure rooftop and simply enjoying the heat. The village, while being visually in essence little more than a study in different shades of brown, did have a certain charm to it.

Then, his eyes peering up at the clouds, he saw Akatsuki's target fly off into the distance on a sand cloud with a suitcase in hand, like some sort of magical nanny.

Obito Uchiha fell back against the rooftop, twitching and jerking occasionally, unconscious from the dangerous combination of heat stroke, good old-fashioned insanity, complete shock, and mild latent brain damage caused by concussion via giant boulder.

Little did he know, his plans were about to hit the metaphorical fan.

Day turned into night.

* * *

"...And look, I'm not saying Madara Uchiha is gay," Deidara began. "But that whole thing with Hashirama? You can't tell me there wasn't something going on there. And now this whole league of practically male-exclusive missing nin, not that I judge him or anything…"

How the hell did this conversation even begin? Sasori found himself wondering. As far as conversations went, he had contributed a total of eight words over the past hour, and somehow they had managed to cover Itachi's potential cancer, whether the Pein bodies could have intercourse, and why the Icha Icha fanbase was full of lunatics.

But this? There were limits.

"I'm fairly certain that a nigh-immortal, decades old Uchiha did not form Akatsuki because of his sexual preferences," Sasori finally pointed out, ending his thirty minute silence.

"But… I mean, have you seen the guy?" Deidara asked. "Tell me you aren't seeing the thirteen year old girl in there. No man safe in his sexuality would bend their hips like that. It just shouldn't happen."

"This conversation should not be happening."

"Oh. Trying to avoid the subject are you? You know I'm right." Deidara leaned back, looking more smug than the real Madara Uchiha on a good day.

"We're approaching the village. Shut your mouths."

Even this couldn't curb the demolition expert's satisfaction. In fact, the smile didn't leave his face throughout the entire infiltration. It was painfully easy for them to make their way to the Kazekage's Office, where a light continued to burn.

"Alright. How are we going to do this?" Deidara whispered.

"I'll hit him with poison. If he manages to avoid it, feel free to use any means necessary to bring him down."

"Any means?" Deidara asked with glee.

"Don't get over excited. The poison works with surprising frequency."

The pair of S-Ranks crept up, until they were just perched before the window leading into the Kazekage's office. There was a figure there, bent over a stack of papers with a pen in hand.

With viper-like speed, Sasori flipped open the window with his tail, and hit the figure with a spurt of purple gas. It immediately slumped forward.

"Wow. I did not expect that to work." Deidara whispered. Sasori nodded sagely.

"Poison is underrated."

He turned over the figure with his tail, only to find a young woman where the Demon Host was supposed to be. Her face was serenely relaxed in unconsciousness.

"What? We got the wrong person?" Deidara said.

"I wonder what it is that compels you to point out the _glaringly obvious_."

"But, I mean, she was at the desk," Deidara continued, unperturbed. "That's like, sacrilege. Kages don't use doubles. They're already the strongest in the village anyway."

"Perhaps this one is a little more crafty."

"Probably has to be, poor guy. He's basically the only S-Rank in the entire country. Konoha's got, what? Fifteen?"

After a couple more minutes of bickering, the pair decided the best course of action would be to investigate the Kazekage's house. They also took Temari with them, because, as Sasori had pointed out,

"If we're really dealing with a man this dangerous, it's always good to have a back-up plan."

This is how the two S-Ranks found themselves standing in Gaara's private quarters, Temari's limp body carried along inside one of Sasori's puppets.

"Where the hell is this guy! Our intel said he hasn't left the village in three years! What's going on? Poker night?"

"This is certainly troubling," rumbled Sasori. His large wooden eyebrows were scrunched in thought. "I suppose, it is _possible_ our intelligence was compromised."

"But then, why would security be so lax? If they were expecting us, wouldn't there be like, triple the guards or something? Fucking Shinobi mind games. This is why I hated Orochimaru you know."

"Everyone hated Orochimaru."

"Well, yeah. Actually, on that topic, don't you think it's a little strange that he tends to want the bodies of young boys more than-"

"We are _not_ discussing this right now."

"And Itachi? The guy could be a model. It's no wonder Orochimaru made a move on him. I mean, those _eyelashes_."

Sasori carefully managed the strong desire to strangle his fellow Akatsuki partner. Perhaps he could ask Pein for a shift in organization. Itachi probably didn't have to put up with any of this shit from Kisame.

Maybe Kakuzu would be willing to switch with Deidara. He seemed reasonably professional, at least, when not on a murderous rampage.

* * *

Several miles away, on an undisclosed patch of forest,

"...Look, I'm not saying Sasori's asexual, but you have to admit it's a little weird that the only woman he spent any significant time around was his grandmother. Even someone like him would have to have some sort of _needs_ , right? Unless..."

How did this conversation even start? Itachi wondered. Kisame had many respectable qualities. Control, strength, self discipline, but after the first hour or so of mindless walking, he turned into an unstoppable chatterbox. It was enough to make the man consider whether his partner's lust for battle was merely a symptom of his apparent ADHD.

The Uchiha couldn't remember contributing more than the occasional word to the conversation, but somehow they had managed to cover the newly-released spoilers for the next Icha Icha Novel, the potential merits of Jashinism, and how the human body could be replicated with a material as inflexible as _wood_ , against all probability.

Perhaps he could ask Pein for a mission that didn't involve day-long treks through the wilderness. Then again, all their missions seemed to include these as a given.

He wondered if any of the other Akatsuki members would be willing to trade partners.

Maybe Kakuzu. He seemed reasonable, when not in a homicidal rage.

* * *

"So what are we going to do?" Deidara asked.

"Leave. Gather intelligence. Find out what's going on," Sasori replied curtly. The puppet containing Temari began to shudder and creak. "We've got a strategic asset. We just have wait for the right moment to strike."

"Fine. I was getting bored of this village anyway. I didn't even get to show anyone my art."

The pair and the floating puppet trailing behind them disappeared over Sunagakure's wall. In the bedroom directly parallel to Gaara's own, Kankuro continued his blissful sleep, snoring loudly.

Meanwhile, on a rooftop, Obito Uchiha shook himself awake, brushing away the crowd of birds that had accumulated. He slipped his mask on immediately, head whipping back and forth.

"That could have been a disaster," he muttered, re-adjusting his orange swirl mask. "I'd better get back to Headquarters and tell them to call off the mission."

With the shimmering of a warp between dimensions, Tobi stepped into Kamui, and become disconnected from the world.

Meanwhile, Deidara and Sasori flew off across the desert, on their way to the nearest terminal for accessing his vast spy network.

"So, on the topic of Orochimaru-"

" _No_."

* * *

Gaara descended towards Konoha's front gate with a smile on his face, and his neatly packed suitcase in hand. Sand travel really _was_ convenient. It had gotten a bit tiring, standing up for such a long period, but that had been the extent of his discomfort.

And the escape from work and beautiful scenery the trip had provided, more than made up for this irritation.

He touched down before reaching the gate, so as not to inspire fear with his appearance. Simply enjoying the pleasant, surprisingly cool afternoon, Gaara approached the front gate with the barest hints of a smile on his face.

"Name, Village, and reason of visit?" the guard asked, pen and paper at the ready. He was not a particularly young looking man, and like many shinobi, he had a scar on his face. A single scratch, cutting across his left cheek.

"Gaara. Suna. Just visiting," the young Kazekage replied pleasantly. The guard quirked an eyebrow.

"It's just Gaara? No surname?"

"Some people call me Sabaku no Gaara, but I don't don't know whether it can be considered a surname. Never checked at least."

"Uh-huh," the older man said, scrabbling something. "What do you mean 'just visiting', though? Foreign Shinobi don't just _visit_ other villages."

"I suppose you could say I'm on vacation," Gaara admitted.

"Vacation? Here?" the guard asked, clearly surprised and confused. "In a Hidden Village?"

"I don't really know any other places, and I wouldn't want to cause a diplomatic incident," the redhead admitted. "I was asked here by a friend though, so it seemed like a safe venture."

"I see... " the Leaf shinobi said slowly. "However, I'm afraid that it's not a valid reason to access the village without doing some security checks, and-"

"Gaara! You actually came!" a loud voice called from behind Konoha's gates. "What's with the hold-up?"

A massive moving piece of orange came into Gaara's awareness. After that, his eyes began to take in arms, legs, and a head of sun-bleached blond hair.

"Naruto?" He murmured, mostly to himself.

"It's been so long!" the blond grinned as he walked closer. "Glad that you could make it! Now come on, there's a lot I'll have to catch you up on now that you're back. You haven't even met Sai yet!"

"Naruto. This man hasn't been cleared. Even if he is from an allied village, we need to confirm that-"

"Are you kidding? Don't you know who he is?"

"One of your friends?"

"No! Well, yes. But he is also the Kazekage!"

"He is the-" The guard's reality shattered. "That's an even more important reason to screen him! What if something were to happen while he is in Konoha? It could create a diplomatic incident!"

"I'll be with him the whole time. It's no problem, right?"

Naruto dragged Gaara away by the arm before the man even had a chance to retort. The sensation was peculiar, Gaara reflected, in that Naruto's arm had not been immediately removed from his body violently via sand cloud, as despite being Kazekage, it had been a long time since anyone had actually touched him physically.

Perhaps he was getting soft. It wasn't particularly painful in any case.

"I'm not paid enough for this," the Chunin grumbled, hoping this wouldn't come back to bite him in the ass somehow.

* * *

After a brief stop to leave the Kazekage's luggage at Naruto's house after much insistence from his friend, Gaara found himself dragged along a winding, nonsensical path through the village. Apparently, Naruto wanted to take him sightseeing around Konoha, never stopping to talk for the whole time and giving quite a tour.

Gaara politely refrained from pointing out that he had already seen most of this section of the village, he had been present for over a month after all, but he chose instead to simply enjoy the company, and endless stream of words spilling out of Naruto's mouth.

"And that big red building over there, is the tower! There's the Hokage's office-which one day will be my office, of course-and archives and other boring stuff!"

"I was just wondering what its purpose was for," Gaara muttered. Naruto entirely missed the sarcasm.

"Really? Anyway, you still have to see the best place in the village!"

"The training grounds?"

"Even better! You'll see!" Naruto exclaimed, pushing Gaara along the road as if to make him go faster.

Eventually, they reached what appeared to be their destination. A small, few-seat Ramen Stand surrounded by one of the strangest assortment of Shinobi that Gaara had ever seen. And he was a Kage, so that was something.

"Naruto!" someone called from the establishment, but Gaara wasn't able to see who between all the chattering people seated there. "There's almost no place, hurry up!"

In a blur, Gaara found himself shoved on a seat besides his fellow jinchuuriki. He had no idea how it had happened, one second they were on the other side of the road, the next they were surrounded by people eating ramen.

"Old man, two large miso ramen for starters, and keep it coming!" Naruto yelled cheerfully. "And two for my friend here!"

With Naruto having taken care of his order without even consulting him, Gaara was then introduced to the group. Two of the people were instantly recognizable. The green spandex and bowler cut combo immediately gripped attention. Painfully.

The last time he had seen the pair of them in the same place, he was trying to kill the younger one, Rock Lee (who was now boasting about something 'youthful', whatever that meant) to satiate the bloodlust of the creature sealed inside him.

Deciding that those were not things wise to dwell on, he observed the rest of the assembled group.

He was introduced to two Hyuugas, their white eyes immediately making them recognizable. Hinata and Neji, both looking very unsure how to react to being invited to eat at a nine-seat Ramen Stand with a group of twelve.

There was a boy with a massive dog, Kiba, which did make Gaara a little curious. Large animals weren't exactly common in the desert. Well, other than him.

Another man, Shino, on a guess, had a horrifically scarring skin disease and had compensated by covering up as much of his body as possible through a combination of hood, high collar, and black glasses. That, or he was attempting to preserve what appeared to be a very pale complexion.

On the topic of pale complexion, the young teen, Sai, currently in a headlock at the hands of Sakura, had one of the strangest skin colors Gaara had ever seen, with hardly a hint of color anywhere. It gave the teen the appearance of a slightly-faded picture of a person, rather than a living one. The black and white clothing style only accentuated this perception.

There was a young woman with a blond ponytail, Ino, another with a pair of brown buns, Tenten, and a particularly rotund man in armor. Chouji's roundness was accentuated by the slim, bored looking person next to him, who's thin eyes and slouched posture made him look very unhappy about his current location, and its lack of an available bed.

Thinking about it, Gaara was sure that he had already met him. When he had tried to kill Lee. Once again, he brushed off those thoughts.

And finally, there was the mysterious masked teacher of Naruto, smiling, if his eye was to be any judge, and engrossed in a small orange book. The cover illustration showed a pair of girls, hugging enthusiastically, on the beach in bikinis.

Gaara wondered idly if Konoha had always been this strange, and he'd simply been too insane and self-obsessed to notice before.

Silence hung in the air after Naruto finished his introductions. Nobody seemed quite sure what to say to one of the five most powerful people in the world.

"I didn't know you were expecting me," the Kazekage said, attempting to break the silence. Well, almost silence. The pale one was choking, but apparently not resisting his headlock.

"Oh, that!" Naruto snapped his fingers. "I used a Shadow Clone to bring everyone here while you were getting the tour. They're all super excited to see you, right guys?"

The responses were… varied. Most of them seemed to be sizing him up, in one way or another. This was to be expected given his position. Naruto beamed, oblivious. Sakura gave him what could technically be considered a smile, although it was a bit strained, given her maintained choke hold.

Sai muttered something that sounded vaguely like "dick-waffle". The choke tightened, and Sakura's smile became even more menacing.

"YOSH! It is extremely refreshing to see you again, Gaara of Sunagakure! I have not had the opportunity to properly thank you for your help with our mission to retrieve Sasuke Uchiha!" Lee punctuated his statement with a thumbs up, inspiring a sudden burst of tears from his teacher.

Shikamaru winced at the volume. Gaara wasn't quite sure how to react, so he fell back on the relatively safe act of nodding. Politely.

"But… despite your great advances, which are not to be undervalued! But rather, that is…"

Gaara's eyebrows would have raised if he had any.

"Yes?"

Rock Lee looked on the verge of tears. His large, round, eyes were practically drowning. His eyelids were like flimsy dams, and Gaara was met with the painful certainly that the waterfalls were inevitably following.

"You are even less youthful than when we first met!"

Gaara once again wondered why, now in a compassionate embrace by the sobbing Lee, his assailant was not a pile of red mush.

"I… What does that mean, exactly?" The Kazekage asked.

"Your passion, and youthful will to move and exert yourself in powerful movement is practically extinguished! Why…"

Lee frowned, which slightly changed the angle of the tears spilling out of his eyes in a steady stream. He patted Gaara on the back, then chest, then arms.

"Sensei! It is even worse than I thought! It feels as though he hasn't exerted his flames of youth in years!"

Gaara tried, and failed, to remember a time during his reign as Kazekage when he had moved faster than a slow walk.

He had gotten tired out a bit, once, after walking around the village, and then discovered his ability to travel by standing on a patch of sand, and allowing it to propel him forward, and even into the air. In retrospect, that had probably been the day his already minimal cardio had died, alone and forgotten.

"Sensei, tell me you aren't thinking what I think you're thinking," Neji muttered, burying his face in one of his hands. The other was extended out, and Tenten was currently burying her own face in it.

"THIS MUST BE REMEDIED!" Gai shouted, raising his fist to the sky. His voice boomed over the street, but already used to the Green Beast, its inhabitants failed to respond.

"I appreciate the offer, but it's not necessary," he said calmly as he took an involuntary step back.

"EVEN WILL TO IGNITE YOUR FLAMES IS DIMINISHED. WE WILL SAVE YOU FROM YOURSELF, OH YOUTHFUL KAZEKAGE. TOGETHER, OUR FLAMES SHALL ILLUMINATE THE WORLD!"

With his declaration made, Gai and his student leapt together in a massive embrace, tears streaming from both their eyes.

"GAI SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

And now they were shouting each other's names. Gaara's ears pricked up. Were those… waves, he could hear? The image of a brilliant sunset filled his mind, inexplicably. He instinctively found himself trying to dispel a genjutsu. The image persisted.

"GAI SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

"GAI SENSEI!"

"Dick waffle," Sai cut in, just before sailing into the sky from a brutally strong uppercut.

"STOP INSULTING THE KAZEKAGE!"

"LEE!"

"GAI SENSEI!"

"Naruto?" Gaara asked, hoping to hear his opinion on this strange display.

The other jinchuuriki looked at Gaara with a helpless shrug. "They are the best at Taijutsu in the village. I'm sure it'd be helpful, if you want to do it."

Gaara, faced with the prospect of physical exercise, thought of his desk. Thought of the paperwork. Thought of the meetings. Thought of the experience of sitting in a chair, day after day, for hours on end, without anything to maintain spirits.

And then, Gaara reflected, compared to the hell of running a village, a little exercise was nothing. Maybe one or two quick reps of pushups, a little lifting. It might even be enjoyable. Besides he was only in town for a couple of days. This was a great opportunity.

Really. How hard could it be?

* * *

Kankuro rubbed his eyes as he kept moving towards Gaara's (now Temari's) office. He had gotten a terrible night's sleep, and was only moving through the familiar rooms and hallways thanks to well-ingrained instincts. How his brother managed to not sleep at all and still be functional, he had no idea.

Finally, he arrived in front of the Kazekage's office door. Knocking a few times, he hoped to judge his sister's mood by whatever answer he got. Lately, Temari had been very stressed about the village's state, after Gaara's sudden departure. No answer arrived though, so he slowly opened the door.

He was expecting to either find his sister too focused on some document or asleep on the desk after a late-night paperwork session, (something that Gaara never seemed to be bothered with), but much to his surprise, the room was empty.

No stressed Temari, no office drones shuffling papers in front of her, no documents on the desk, besides a single piece of paper. Getting closer, he picked up and read it aloud.

"I decided to take a vacation, so I'll not be around for a while. Going to the spa and other girly stuff. See you soon," he grumbled. It wasn't until several seconds had passed that he realized what it meant, and the paper fell from his fingertips.

"I… I'm finally in charge?" he asked to the empty room.


	2. Chapter 2

"We will start by equipping you with weights, Kazekage!" Gai boomed.

It was early morning. Unreasonably early morning. The stars were still clearly visible overhead, and the sun was far enough past the horizon that only half of the sky held any color at all.

Gaara nodded respectfully, and mimicked Lee's pose. His arms extended, and legs placed apart. He frowned at the strain required to stand as such.

It was probably nothing, he concluded. He was just a bit stiff. That was all.

Gaara was suddenly pressed to the ground by the weight of a thousand suns. It was agony. Somewhere deep in his mind, an unconscious system reported a strong likelihood of spontaneous combustion. This prompted another system to leap into effect.

The pain began to dip off. Gaara took a breath, and smiled. He glanced up at Lee and Gai.

They stared back at him. Unblinking.

"Sensei…" Lee muttered, still staring hollowly forward.

"Yes. I think I see the problem," Gai affirmed.

"What?" Gaara said. The weights had been painful, but he'd gotten used to them quickly, hadn't he? He glanced at his arms.

Two bands, deceptively small, ran over his practically non-existent biceps. Between them and the red of his cloak, was a centimeter thick crust of light sand, summoned from his gourd automatically.

"We must find a way around your sand, Kazekage," Gai said seriously, tapping his chin in thought. "It is depriving your body of physical stress. Automatically it seems."

"Is that so?"

"Yes, and I believe I may have just the thing to solve it," Gai said, reaching into the duffel bag he had brought with him. His hand came out holding a bag of small papers, little bigger than stamps, with black ink on their otherwise white surfaces.

"These are chakra suppressors. They are intended for preventing people from using chakra to reinforce their muscles, and similarly depriving themselves. Your situation is a bit different, but this is worth a shot, yes?"

Gaara frowned, and nodded. He had little faith the papers would succeed at this. All attempts at doing so had left assassins as piles of red mush.

An hour later, he thought differently.

The Kazekage felt naked. Uncomfortably so. Used to the feeling of grain pressing against his skin at all times, feeling the rising sun touching his actual body was strangely invasive. As was the sensation of wind.

Furthermore, he'd never truly appreciated just how heavy his clothing was. Where before, he'd had no problem with it at all, now the meager three pounds they weighed threatened to bring him to his knees. A sort of panic spiked in the back of Gaara's mind, but he suppressed through long-trained habit.

There was none of his sand left on his body now, except for a shrinking area around the weights that had never been removed. It simply had fallen around him, leaving piles of clean sand at his feet.

Gai placed the four-hundred and fifty-fifth chakra suppressant on Gaara's chest.

The last of his sand fell away, leaving him with the five-pound weights on his practically virgin arms.

He crumpled to the floor.

"Yosh! We have done it!" Lee cried, tears streaming from his eyes. "YES! NOW THE KAZEKAGE CAN BEGIN HIS TRUE TRAINING! WHAT SAY YOU, GAARA?"

There was an awkward silence.

Gai easily lifted the teen up, arms dangling down like a zombie. Gaara's eyes were dead and lifeless.

Well. More dead and lifeless than usual.

"Sensei?" Lee said.

"Hmm," Gai muttered, stroking his chin again. "Perhaps, we should move a little slower."

Had Gaara been awake, he would have agreed. As it was, he was too busy suffering complete mental breakdown, to go with his physical one.

It turned out, a history of sand-assisted movement and a complete absence of recovery time were difficult to overcome at once, even for a Jinchuriki.

Go figure.

* * *

"What? You put the Kazekage _in the hospital_?"

Both Lee and Gai cringed instinctively at Tenten's tone of voice. "Yosh! We did not expect his youthful energy to be so low. We will not be mistaken again, right sensei?"

"Of course Lee! We will resume as soon as he is fit to train again."

"Are you out of your minds?" Tenten roared. "We put the _Kage_ of one of our most important allied nations into the urgent care ward. On his vacation! We might as well have spit on their ambassadors! Or killed them! Do you have any idea what this sort of event could cause?"

Gai's expression turned to serious, controlled contemplation.

"I understand your fears, Tenten," he said eventually. "But have faith in your teacher. This was a necessary step for him to overcome his physical weakness. All humans need a chance to rest and regain their strength. Even a person such as him."

Gai punctuated his words with a confident smile that threatened to cause permanent blindness, and a strong thumbs up. Tenten frowned.

"Wasn't there something about Gaara and sleep? Like, a condition?"

"I don't remember specifically," Gai replied. "But it's fair to say the Kazekage has not been getting the amount he needs. Why, his collapse suggests he hasn't been properly rested in a very long time! No doubt, due to the stresses of running a village."

"Well, Alright," Tenten said, still frowning. "Just… _try_ not to go overboard, ok? We have enough problems as it is without adding a dead Kazekage."

"Fear not!" Lee cried, shaking his fist. "We will exercise restraint to the highest degree!"

"YES! AND IF WE CANNOT DO THAT, WE SHALL BRING THE KAZEKAGE BACK TO LIFE!"

"YOSH! WE SHALL… wait." Lee glanced at his teacher. "We can do that?"

"YES! AND IF WE CANNOT DO THAT, WE SHALL DIE HONORABLY FOR OUR MISTAKES!"

"YOSH! WE SHALL DIE…"

Lee paused again.

"Perhaps we should be extremely careful, Sensei," he said eventually.

"I couldn't agree more, Lee. Now, let us check up on our most unyouthful companion."

* * *

It was fortunate the chakra suppressors had not been removed from Gaara's body. Had they been, the problem of a rampaging tailed beast would have become relevant very quickly.

As it was, Konoha managed to avoid natural disaster with a literally paper-thin strategy.

Meanwhile, Gaara was busy enjoying his first true sleep in nearly three years. While he did so, his body decided to get started on the years of maintenance that had been neglected.

Physical movement, which would eventually require a recharge, and by extent, _actual sleep_ , was replaced with sand-powered movement, many years ago. Gaara had managed, through sheer force of will, to stay awake and conscious for a time period that would be literally impossible for the average person.

In doing so, he had forgotten the sensation of true relaxation. Of _sleep_. The closest he approached were the hours of meditation he did during the night, while others allowed their minds a brief and necessary rest. It provided a brief recharge for his mind, which was _absolutely_ necessary, even while his body continued to starve from a lack of true rest.

In fact, going without sleep for so long, for an ordinary person, would have resulted in either insanity, exhaustion, or death within the first month. Being a Jinchuriki, Gaara's regenerative abilities had managed to stay ahead of the curve, if just barely. In another world, he had indeed died on his fourth sleepless year. In another, the problem had been solved by his unnatural death and rebirth, this time without a need to avoid sleeping due to a missing tailed beast.

In this one, he had been unknowingly saved from approaching death.

And so, the Kazekage of Sunagakure, a teen who had succeeded at overcoming prejudice, a need for physical movement, and the stresses of running a country, was given the opportunity to recharge.

 _Nobody_ could have predicted just how much this would shape the future of the world.

* * *

"...Well don't blame me! Everything looks the same in this damn country."

"If I had known you were incapable of handling something as basic as a _map_ , we would have taken a left three hours ago." Sasori growled.

"Why the hell didn't you say anything! You're the guy who lived here. Everything looks the same to me," Deidara retorted.

"I assumed you had some sort of route in mind."

"Great. Just great. It's all about me now, isn't it? Always my fault, yeah?"

"Fault? You sat back there and stared at a map for _eight hours_. What the fuck were you doing, besides wasting my _fucking_ time?"

"Don't you use that tone of voice with me," Deidara muttered, turning his head disdainfully. "Sometimes I think you don't appreciate the work I put into this organization. Other people wanted to be my partner you know."

"WHO?" Sasori rumbled. "WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD WANT TO SPEND ANY AMOUNT OF TIME WITH YOU?"

"I had offers."

" _Bullshit_."

"If we're going to make this partnership work, I'm going to have to see some more support." Deidara said, still stubbornly refusing to make eye contact. "Sometimes, I feel like you just don't respect me like you used to."

"Maybe that's because you've proven _unworthy of respect_. Repeatedly."

"I made a mistake! Fine. You don't have to be so unreasonable."

"UNREASON…" Sasori paused for a long, long moment.

"You know what? I don't have to take this anymore," he said finally, turning and stomping away towards the nearest sand dune. "I don't care what the leader says. This partnership is _over_."

"What? You can't mean that!"

Sasori continued to trudge away. The puppet carrying Temari trailed behind him in the air like a very intimidating balloon.

"Fine!" Deidara called after him, stomping his foot. "Do that! Ruin the partnership we've had for over two years. Just throw it away, yeah? Well good! I was going on missions with someone else anyway! So there!"

Sasori stopped. His massive form slowly turned around to face Deidara again.

"What."

Deidara gulped, but stood his ground, looking away. Sasori stomped up until he was barely a foot before the blond explosives expert.

" _Who_?"

"...Hidan," said Deidara.

Sasori's tail erupted from underneath his black cloak, spinning and spiking menacingly.

"You went on missions with _Hidan_? He's a selfish asshole! What the hell could you possibly see in a person like that?"

"Shut up! You don't know what he's like. I wouldn't expect someone like you to understand."

"You know what? _Forget it_. I don't care anymore."

Sasori turned to walk away again.

"Wait! At least finish up this mission with me," Deidara pleaded.

"Come on. Once we get the Kazekage, you can go off and do whatever you want. Just stick around that long, alright?"

Sasori paused. It took him nearly a minute of complete silence to reach a decision.

"This mission better turn around _real_ quick," he growled, opening the map. "Because if it continues at the rate it's going, I'm going to waste a lot of my precious time, and if there's one thing I can't stand, it's that."

"Thanks," Deidara muttered. "So, you know how to navigate us?"

"Can't have changed that much," Sasori said.

At that moment, there was a wooden creak, and the puppet that had been drifting lazily behind Sasori the past several hours, began to shake.

"What the hell?" A muffled voice cried through the wood. "Where am I?"

"Just what we need," Sasori muttered, covering his eyes. "It'll be a miracle if we get through this alive."

* * *

"It's really a miracle you managed to get through this alive," the nurse said, glancing at the paper detailing Gaara's physical health.

"I mean, I've never heard of anyone going that long without rest. It's physically impossible. Not to mention, you've been growing the entire time, and growth happens during sleep. By all reasonable medical research you should be-

Gaara was too busy enjoying his newfound energy to pay attention. He felt… energized. Light. _Invincible._

Why, he felt like he could take on Gai's regime right then and there, sand-control or no. He sat up-

There was an ominous series of cracking sounds as his back bent forward.

"Are you alright?" the nurse asked, looking concerned.

"Can't… feel… upper body…"

"DOCTOR!"

* * *

"I can do this. I can _do this_ ," Gaara muttered to himself, slowly and carefully creaking into a sitting position. It was a stretch, but he seemed to still have full sensory control.

Now, one foot on the ground-

His ankle immediately bent at a dangerous angle, leaving him a jumbled pile of limbs on the floor of the hospital.

The nurse gasped.

"DOCTOR!"

* * *

Very, _very_ carefully, Gaara leaned forward, putting his meager body weight on his shaking legs. After five seconds of control, he smiled.

From the open window of his hospital room, a small, graceful blue butterfly fluttered in.

It flapped right before Gaara's eyes, and came to a dainty, delicate rest on his nose.

There were three cracks. Both his ankles, and his left knee emitted these sounds, loud enough they echoed past his closed door and to the next-door patient.

The nurse ran in to find him on the floor.

Again.

"DOCTOR!"

* * *

"Hey Gaara! I heard about your training…. Whoa."

Naruto paused in his tirade, to take in Gaara's newly handcuffed form. The hospital doctors had decided not to let their _resident international incident waiting to happen_ commit suicide on their well-scrubbed floors.

"Help me," Gaara said. His voice was drier than the desert he had grown up in. "They won't let me leave."

"Heh he. That's uh, pretty funny."

" _Get me out of here_ ," Gaara rasped, a dangerous wild look in his eye.

"I've uh…." Naruto glanced around, looking for an excuse. "...got to meet with Kakashi Sensei, and I can't be late. Good luck though!"

"Wait," Gaara croaked, as Naruto sprinted from the room.

"I can walk. I made it five seconds. I… no..."

Gaara glared at the empty room around him, and spitefully slammed his head against his pillow. His neck made an ominous cracking sound.

"DOCTOR!"

* * *

"Oh no you don't! Get the _hell_ away from that door Gai. Don't make me say it again."

"Ah! Darling…." Gai said, attempting to smile consolingly, but the woman approaching him was having none of it. Thin, dagger-like glasses sat on a crooked nose.

"Serana," the older nurse said, looking annoyed. "And you're not going within ten feet of my patient. He's had enough trouble as it is, without you hyping him up on whatever it is you guys use."

"What?" Lee shouted, frowning incredulously. "Our powerful bodies are entirely natural!"

"I believe she is referring to our youthful spirit!"

"OF COURSE! GAI SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

"GAI SENSE-oof-"

Lee rubbed at a bruised head. The woman huffed, and waved her hands at them with a shooing motion.

"Go on. Get out of here. My patient needs more rest. And a stress free environment."

"There should be no problems then!" Gai said, opening the door. "We will strive to cause as little stress as possible. Right Lee?"

"Right!"

Gaara took one look at the pair of green suits, shiny bowler cuts, and monster eyebrows, and started thrashing uncontrollably, a wild look of utter horror in his green eyes. He began to sputter random nonsense, all the while frothing at the mouth and trying to get as far away from the pair as his handcuffs would allow.

"GET OUT OF THIS HOSPITAL!" Serana bellowed, taking to smacking both of them on the back of their heads without a touch of subtlely. "AND DON'T YOU COME BACK HERE EVER AGAIN. EVEN WHEN WHATEVER YOU USE STARTS KILLING YOU!"

"I told you! Oof. It's all- oof. Youthful energy!"

"GET OUT!"

* * *

Kankuro's nimble fingers adjusted his newly-minted nameplate for what must have been the thousandth time. Perhaps it had been his imagination, but it had seemed tilted ever so slightly.

He smiled, and leaned back in the Kazekage's chair, enjoying the feeling of power it brought.

Yes. Respect. Dignity. Honor. All these things were his.

There was a knock at the door.

"Come!" Kankuro said, enjoying the sound of his own voice.

A small, nervous looking clerk filed in, clutching a stack of papers in his hands. Kankuro's eyes narrowed.

Ah yes. The dreaded papers.

He knew how to handle this.

"These are some of the…" the man started, but paused at Kankuro's raised finger. The substitute Kazekage pointed at the edge of his desk. The clerk smiled.

"Yes of course. I'll just, er… leave these here then?"

Kankuro nodded seriously.

"Ahem. Yes."

The clerk practically sprinted from the room, no doubt intimidated by Kankuro's righteous authority. He approached the vital collection of treaties, approvals, and orders waiting to be sent out all over Sunagakure.

He picked them up, walked over to his desk, and placed them in a drawer.

He shut it.

"Problem solved," he said with a satisfied smile. Besides, Gaara would probably be back any day now. Or Temari. One of those two.

Now then. Where else could he start putting his name up. That door was due a nameplate…

* * *

"I want you to repeat that again, very slowly," Tsunade said, a dangerous gleam in her eye.

Naruto gulped, and started unconsciously planning his escape route.

"It was a training accident…"

"Go on."

"And Gaar-, I mean, the Kazekage…"

"Yes?"

"Maybe… Kind of… might have been knocked unconscious."

"..."

"...On his vacation. Here."

Tsunade took a long, deep breath. Naruto could practically see the steam rolling out from her nostrils.

"And you didn't think to tell me we had a foreign Kage on _vacation_ here, because…"

Naruto gulped. "I forgot."

Tsunade nodded seriously.

"You forgot."

"...Yes?" Naruto said uncertainly.

She got to her feet, and turned around slowly, to look at the window behind her. Stretched out in her view was practically all of Konoha, in the middle of a bustling day.

This view was disrupted by the Hokage's chair sailing out of said window, at a speed close to escape velocity.

She took a deep breath, composed herself, and turned back to Naruto, who was practically trembling.

"Tell someone to bring me a new chair," she growled. "I should see our resident guest personally. Don't you think?"

"Absolutely Granny!"

Tsunade's hands balled into fists.

" _What_ did you call me?"

"Lord Honorable Hokage! Ma'am!"

* * *

"I feel much better," Gaara said hopefully, looking not too subtly at his handcuffs. "Really, I feel fine. No problems at all. In fact, I was thinking of taking a stroll around the village…"

Tsunade glanced again at the medical report in her hands. As one of the most famous medic-nin of all time, she had, as they put it, "seen some shit".

What she saw on the paper before her had immediately called to mind one person in particular.

Naruto.

How he managed to survive half of the accounts now sitting in Konoha's permanent records was beyond her. One of the Seven Swordsmen of Kirigakure, Orochimaru, the Kazekage himself, _Jiraiya's training_... By all accounts, Naruto should have been a jibbering mess in the corner, rather than merely looking worried about his immediate survival.

Which he deserved to be. Leaving her in this mess.

"I'm going to have to take a look at you personally," Tsunade said to Gaara. "Just make sure there's no immediate risk of you dying here. You understand?"

Gaara nodded, slowly. Her reasoning made sense. He wouldn't want to be in her shoes. What a diplomatic nightmare.

He tried to look reassured. Gaara's missing sand was taking toll on the teen's mental health. Never before had he felt so helpless. There had always been the reassuring blanket of, actually, it was more like a gravely pile of broken glass, between him and any would-be attackers.

Now that he could barely stand upright, let alone fight off enemies, he was more than a little shaken. Somewhere inside, he knew that he was among friends, and would be treated carefully due to his diplomatic importance.

This did little to slow down his heartbeat.

"Let's move him to the scan room," Tsunade said, gesturing forward two other medic-nin. "Be careful with him. He's a foreign ambassador."

"Yes, Lord Hokage," they chorused. Ah, right. _Lord_ Hokage. She liked the sound of that. It was about the only upside to this job.

* * *

"Am I free to go?" Gaara asked, his voice closer to his usual monotone. Hopefully, this would reassure the Hokage that he wasn't, in fact, desperate to regain freedom of motion. And his sand.

How could he ask for it, politely?

Tsunade looked down at her clipboard. Then up at Gaara. Then down at the clipboard again.

The offensive device landed in a nearby trash can.

Tsunade's medical diagnosis was that she wanted to keep her newest patient under _lock and key_ , unable to move an _inch_ , but that simply wasn't a viable option. It was only thanks to dumb luck, or perhaps a sense of kindness, that the foreign Kage hadn't chosen to exercise any of his diplomatic power.

She couldn't go overboard, but at this rate, he was going to fall down some stairs and break his neck. Surely, he would understand...

"I'd like you to stay with us for a couple more days," the Hokage said, raising her hand to Gaara's panicked look. "We'll take the cuffs off, but as I'm sure you've noticed, you're not in any state to be walking around. If you're anything like Naruto, that's all it'll take to reverse years of damage."

Gaara looked stunned.

"Will my sand gourd be returned to-"

" _After_ you're released," Tsunade said. "You aren't going to repair if you just start using your sand again. This is for your health."

Gaara laid there, quietly, in contemptation for several long seconds.

Finally, he sighed, and nodded.

"I understand."

"Good. We'll be providing you with the best care possible, given your station. I hope that after this is all over, you won't harbor any ill will towards Konoha?"

"No. I don't think so."

Just a few more days? Gaara had handled worse. On the list of grievances he had with life, this barely even made it on the list.

Yes. This was just a temporary inconvenience. It would be over before he knew it.

Perhaps it would even be relaxing. He was on vacation after all.

Now then. _Rest_.

* * *

"Hey. Your hostage is trying to escape. Again."

"It's _our_ hostage."

"She's from your village. Besides, you're the one who brought her along."

Sasori rolled his eyes, not even bothering to look at the fight now taking place between three of his puppets and Temari. Without her fan, she was at a serious disadvantage, but that wasn't stopping her from taking swings at the deadly, spiked wooden puppets.

"Be careful with those," he growled, when she got in a particularly good hit. "These are antiques. Irreplaceable."

"Where the hell did you get these things? They're Sasori's designs!" she yelled back, dodging a blade carrying deadly poison.

"I'm surprised you recognized them," Sasori rumbled. "I first designed that one fifty years ago."

Temari paused, eyes wide in shock.

"You're Sasori of the Red- ouch!"

Sasori took the opportunity to lightly poke her with a small spike, practically dripping with paralysis poison.

"Good to see kids these days looking up to their elders," Sasori said, a tinge of pride on his voice.

Temari gurgled something incomprehensible.

"Now. You carry her," Sasori said to Deidara, turning to continue walking.

"Why? The puppet worked just fine!"

"Because I want you to," Sasori said. "And because you very much want my antidote."

"Antidote?" Deidara gave a small chuckle, which went unresponded to. "Wait, you mean I'm poisoned? When did that happen?"

"You'd be surprised how effective numbing effects can be," Sasori said, ominously.

"Let's not be hasty here!"

"Pick her up already. She's drooling."

Deidara ran to keep up with the ancient puppetmaster, Temari slung over his back. She attempted to curse at them, but only succeeded in mumbling gibberish.

"So, heh. About those things I said earlier..."

"Go on."

* * *

 **A/N: Poison is underrated.**


	3. Chapter 3

The bartender looked up from his polishing, as two of the most dangerous men in the world walked in.

Sasori was smiling, not that anyone could _tell_ , what with his puppet's limited range of expression. To be honest, his face hadn't had much range even when it wasn't made of wood. He mostly switched between "irritated", and "very irritated". This suited his personality perfectly well.

His companion, on the other hand, was not smiling.

Deidara was heaving. His lungs seemed to be insufficient for holding all the air he needed, and his red face suggested he was near a breaking point. Slung over his shoulders, mumbling deliriously, Temari was about as active as one of Sasori's sealed puppets.

The bartender, still polishing the glass in his hands, did not even bat an eye at this otherwise impressive sight.

"How may I help you," he said cordially, still rubbing at the glass. It was not getting the slightest bit cleaner.

"I need any updates from Akatsuki Headquarters," Sasori said. "There's been a change of situation."

"Of course sir. Right away."

The Bartender disappeared into a back room somewhere, leaving the empty bar silent except for Deidara's desperate breaths. After a few seconds, Sasori had had enough.

"You can put her down," he grumbled. Deidara did not so much put Temari down, as let her fall gracelessly onto the hard wood floor, where she hit her head and ended up with her neck in a very awkward position. Deidara immediately met her on the ground, practically foaming at the mouth.

"A… Antidote…" he gasped.

"Hmm?" Sasori glanced down at him. "Oh yes," he said, as though remembering something. "You're not poisoned. I made that up. This is a perfectly natural cardiac arrest. You really shouldn't strain yourself so much."

"F… Fuck you... "

"And here I was about to offer you something to relieve the symptoms."

The bartender returned, frowning ever so slightly.

"There appear to be no new messages from the network," he said. "But it's possible they simply haven't arrived yet. Is there anything else?"

"Yes. Any news on the Kazekage?"

"Oh yes," the man said, brightening. "Evidently he's taking a vacation in Konohagakure. He appears to have suffered some accident there. The details remain unclear."

"Diabolical," Sasori muttered, stroking his chin. "He predicted our attack down to the very night. I fear we strongly underestimated this adversary."

Deidara mumbled something that could have been, "no shit", although it also could have been interpreted as "wurble wurble".

"I take it you are going to Konoha?" the man asked, his glass somehow having returned to his polishing grip.

"Indeed. If their front gate security is anything like how Itachi described it, we'll be in the village before sunset. Quit slacking off Deidara. We have work to do."

* * *

"All of it?" Tsunade said incredulously. "You mean to tell me all of his conditions just…. disappeared? Spontaneously?"

The doctor gave a nervous shrug. Tsunade rubbed at her eyes.

"Right. Of course. Silly me thinking it would take _days_ to reverse a decade of sleep deprivation. I'm only the premier medical-ninja in the entire Elemental Nations."

"You are that," the doctor said, hoping to appease the leader of his village. "And he does seem to be very grateful for your treatment."

"Treatment? We gave him tylenol! We didn't…" Tsunade paused.

"I mean, of course. Yes. The treatment was an astounding success. Isn't that right..." Tsunade squinted at the man's name-tag. "...Daisuke."

"Yes of course, Lord Hokage," the man responded, laughing nervously. She grinned a predatory smile.

" _Good_."

* * *

With that, she swept out of the room, to meet the Kazekage once again.

"They did not exaggerate your abilities, Lady Hokage," Gaara said, frowning in awe at his seemingly miraculous recovery. He clenched his fist experimentally, flexing muscles that he hadn't realized he'd ever had.

"Right. Ahem. Yes. I'm only glad the treatment went so well."

"Astounding. I feel better than I have in years." Gaara continued to stretch his body in wonder. Tsunade found the image odd, although it took her a moment to realize what was throwing her off.

Gaara was _smiling._

"Well, given you seem to be doing so much better," Tsunade said, a hint of bitterness in her tone. How dare he throw decades of medical experience out the window? "I think it's fine to take off the chakra suppressants."

It took only the barest of milliseconds after removing a large handful of inch-wide chakra sealing papers for his gourd to, sitting in the Hospital lobby, begin to rocket towards the prone Kazekage, knocking over not an insignificant number of doctors and nurses along the way.

It attached itself to his back with an almost animalistic fervor, pressing into him as if it were afraid of letting go. Gaara's smile widened even more, a sight that sent chills down Tsunade's spine.

"Now then. I do believe I'm on vacation," Gaara said, sweeping out of the room with a dramatic, almost noble air. Tsunade merely stood still, trying to wrap her mind around the almost instantaneous change in aura.

Gaara had, in the course of a few seconds, skyrocketed from low D to S-Rank.

She ran her hand over her face.

"Jinchuriki…" the Hokage mumbled.

Gaara meanwhile, stepped out into the open air, enjoying the feeling of sunlight on his face. It had barely been a day, but it was one of those things one got accustomed to. Like having sand pressing against your every patch of skin.

He was practically dancing out the door, despite himself. Naruto and Sakura watched in silent shock as the Kazekage _skipped_ down the street, humming a happy tune to himself.

"Wow," Naruto said, scratching his head. "He seems, um…."

"Like you?" Sakura said.

"Kind of, yeah. It's just so, er…"

"Not like Gaara?"

"Yeah. That."

Gaara was nearly halfway across the village, when a green blur suddenly shot past him, immediately leaving a massive gust of wind in its wake.

The green blur immediately made a u-turn and shot back, skidding to a stop only a few feet away from Gaara, whose sand had instinctively flown up to shield him from impending assault.

"Oh Youthful Kazekage!" Lee cried, tears streaming from his eyes. "I can see you are practically bursting with youthful energy! I am so happy for you."

Gaara grinned, which Lee found oddly disconcerting for a reason he couldn't describe.

"Indeed. This is all very new to me, but I think I like it. Yes…" Gaara hissed, eyes glazing over, and sending shivers down Lee's spine. "Yes. I like this. _Very_ much."

Lee brushed aside his mind's desperate warning signals, and gave the Kazekage a thumbs up. "Do you feel fit to continue our training, or have you decided against it?"

Against it? The exercise, however brief, had certainly been painful, but the reward was an energy he'd never felt before, even in his wildest dreams.

How could he say no?

"I've never been more ready for anything," Gaara said ominously, a dark shadow passing over his eyes. "I wish to have more of this… youthful energy."

"Excellent! I will inform Gai Sensei. Now. I wonder what we should start with…"

* * *

"What do you mean, you don't know where he is?!" Tsunade hissed, trying her best to keep her voice from exploding in a loud yell. Didn't you think that you should've done your _job_ and followed him?!"

"But, uh, Hokage-sama…" the poor shinobi stuttered, righteously scared for his own well-being. "He seemed fine, so-"

The man stopped as the Godaime Hokage raised a finger, silently ordering him to shut his trap. "I don't want to hear it, actually! Now listen up!"

"Yes, sir! Er, ma'am!"

"Here's your orders: spread word to tighten the security around the village."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Tell the guards that they have to double, no, triple-check everyone who tries to leave _or_ enter the village."

"Yes, ma'am!" the shinobi repeated more vehemently.

"Add more sentinels around the perimeter-No, scratch that. Send word to just send everyone."

"Yes, ma'a-Everyone, Hokage-sama?"

"EVERYONE!"

* * *

"Wait," Temari said, her voice resounding all over the large forest surrounding the borders of Fire Country. "So you're saying that you're a mercenary organization composed of missing-nin... and you plan on taking over the world with just _nine_ members."

"You forgot we're all S-rank shinobi," Sasori of the Red Sand replied without even looking at her. "And they don't exactly grow on trees. You should know. Your village only has one."

"Whatever," the girl scowled. Her body remained paralyzed, hanging over one of Sasori's puppets once again. It was not a comfortable position.

"Why did you join, then?" Temari asked, genuinely curious. "And don't tell me it was for the children or something. You two don't strike me as heroes in disguise."

"I lost a fight," Sasori said, shrugging.

"Me too," Deidara wheezed, slowing down to take a breath.

"Wait, seriously? _That's_ why you joined?"

"Yes" both of the renegade shinobi replied.

"It just... doesn't seem a good reason to devote your life to an evil organization bent on... whatever your true objective is."

"I told you, our leader wants to bring peace to the world," Sasori explained, sounding quite annoyed.

"Fine, whatever. Let's suppose your crazy plan-which I would like to remind you, you don't know much about-works..."

"Hmm?" Sasori said.

Temari tried to frown, but her face didn't move much. "What happens after your leader brings peace to the world? I mean, what use would a perfect peaceful world have for _you_ two?"

A long silence fell on the trio after that. Even the puppet stopped, as if he was thinking about the issue at hand.

"Well... when you put it like that..."

"That's right," Temari insisted, hoping that her words were spreading doubts into the duo's heads.

"I… never thought about it," Deidara admitted, as he took advantage of the unexpected pause to rest a bit.

"I assumed there'd be some sort of pension, what with bringing about peace and all that," Sasori rumbled thoughtfully. "Seems like the sort of thing that would make up for any previous unsavory acts."

"I thought you weren't in this for the money?"

"What would you have us do?" Sasori said, getting more than a little irritated. "As far as missing-nin business goes, bringing about world peace is a pretty nice application. It's not like Sunagakure would welcome me back with open arms."

"You killed entire villages just for bodies to make puppets with. Not even foreign villages! Ours!"

"I was a teenager. I was going through a phase."

"A phase where you _killed villages_?"

"...I had a rough childhood."

"At least you weren't kicked out of your home for no reason at all!" Deidara protested. He whipped his massive fluff of hair in a huff, and then winced at the pain in his back.

"No reason at all? I thought you said you blew up a prison."

"Only _one_ though! It's not like I made a habit of it, unlike your _phase_..."

"Have you two guys ever considered an alternative?" Temari asked, trying to defuse a possible fight between two S-rank criminals. Her survival prospects were, at the very least, not imminently fatal, and she decided she'd like that to remain the same.

"This is going to be fantastic. What is it sweetheart? Your "genius" alternative that we just _happened_ to overlook?" Sasori's tone was taking a dangerous edge.

"Well…" Temari started, unable to believe what she was going to say. "You could've, you know… joined another village?"

Somewhere in the forest, a bird chirped. It was the only audible sound for miles.

"You're joking, right?" the puppet master finally asked, managing to sound actually incredulous.

"Is this the… how do they call it, the what-was-his-name syndrome?" Deidara mused, glancing at his partner in crime.

"No, too soon for that. Must be some side-effect from the drug… I knew we shouldn't have given her that much-"

"I'm perfectly lucid!" Temari yelled in her defence.

"Girl… maybe you forgot, but you're the _hostage_ here. And didn't you just call us terrorists?"

"That's because you _are_. But let's be frank here… do you really want to go through your leader's plan without knowing what your place in it will be?"

"That doesn't concern you. It doesn't even explain why we should join _your_ village, either."

"Yeah. Why would Suna even want to touch us with anything but a sharp kunai, anyway?"

"Because Suna needs something that you can give to it, desperately so."

"And that would be…?"

"S-rank shinobi… also, our spy network is… well, it hasn't done its job in recent years."

Sasori peered at her critically, his wooden eyes staring into hers, unblinking.

"...No."

Temari wasn't surprised by the answer, but it had been worth a shot.

"I'm not interested in having anything more to do with that village. Or worse, my grandmother." The puppet gave an involuntary shudder.

Deidara scowled.

"I'm getting tired of this. Let's just hurry up to the village, yeah?"

"We'd be there by now if you weren't so out of shape."

"I carried her fat ass for dozens of miles! Give me a brea-"

" _WHAT_?"

"Oy. Sasori! Got any more of whatever you gave her?"

"Plenty."

"Wurble wurble…"


End file.
